Welcome Back- Tales from the Dark

welcome-back-kotter-10

I am baaaack. Where have I been? No where spectacular and not in rehab. I am going to be honest and spill some raw truth– I was in a psychologically-dark place. A place where I looked forward to my next pill-induced coma so that I can be numb to EVERYTHING.

From November to December, I have been feeling the what I can only describe as the “lupus funk“, and as time went on, the funk got funkier. I was depressed. Overall, I just felt shitty with myself and my situation.  Every since I was diagnosed with lupus, it has been a battle- not only was my health failing but it had affected every aspect of my life. Because of lupus: 1) I had to move-in with my parents, 2) every move I make has to be supervised, 3) I am in bed by 7pm only to wake up in the middle of the night with pain, 4) I am always exhausted, 5) I can no longer drive, 6) all my money goes to medical bills, and 7) I am socially dead to the world, and etc. etc. etc. And to top it off, I still had to try to keep myself out of a hospital. I am sorry to have to admit this, fans, but I wanted to give up. I was tired of fighting and tired of smiling with hope so that others around can be assured that “everything will be OK”.

And that is why I have been absent for a good chunk of time. The reason I started this blog was to provide support and encouragement to my fellow warriors. I was certainly NOT in the state of mind for dishing out sunshine and rainbows (I couldn’t even queen out properly!), and therefore, refrained from writing. If I had written during my months of depression, it would have looked very similar to the chapters of a Judy Blume novel, a la Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. (*If you do not understand that reference, look it up, or you can trust I made a reference that was simultaneously brilliant and hilarious!*) My head was one hot-mess; not only was I blue, I was in a constant fog of confusion. I did the blog-community a service by sitting out for awhile.

So, why am I writing now? Easy- I feel psychologically more stable and do not have urges to swallow a cocktail of yummy drugs for reasons other than pain-control. I have been seeing a therapist on a weekly basis so that I can cry and have realizations. Plus, I hear fabulous people have therapists. 😉  (Diva approved)  I realized at the beginning of this year that:

1) I lost 2 months of precious time. We all know that lupus does not come with the gift of time. As lupus patients we are constantly told of the many “chances of this happening” or a “risk of that happening”. I was a baby who focused on the negative and spent all her time in bed feeling sorry for herself. Not the way to go.

2) I am still lucky– even with lupus. I have the best support system in my family, true friends, and my fellow lupus warriors. AND even after the crap year of 2012, I am still able to take a breath and stand on my own feet (with a little help from a member of my support system or cane).

The point-of-the-story is not to have pity-party in my honor because there are people who have it so much worse than I do. I am fortunate enough to be able to write this down. I write this awful truth in hopes that if you are in a “dark funky place”, you are not alone and have every reason to be depressed. Up to 60% of lupus patients will experience clinical depression, which is most likely the result of the continuous series of emotional and psychological stressors associated with living with a chronic disease. Helplessness and hopelessness are two common feelings associated with depression. Also, keep in mind that lupus flares can trigger depression. Just remember, that there are many resources out there to help you and that you are not alone.

Stay Fabulous!

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Energy Crisis- Day 14 (zzzz)

Day 14

As promised, I have been taking 2 GNC Women’s Ultra Mega Energy and Metabolism every morning since my last post (on a side note: I roll my eyes every single time I type-out the full label of this product… ultra AND mega??…really!?!? a little redundant, don’t ya think?). The good news is that I am no longer resisting the pills because of their crappy smell. The trick is to take the pills with a good cup of coffee.

This week, I fulfilled my part-time hours from Monday-Wednesday– a tad exhausting for me. My research team is resubmitting a federal grant so each minute has been intense, with very little time to combat any lupus symptoms that creep-up during the working hours.  In addition to the occasional bone-aches, pains and cognitive fog that hit me, I found myself still wanting to pass the BLEEEP-out on my keyboard. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!? I get ample amount of hours of sleep during the night (whether that sleep is actual restful is a different story). I consume coffee like a typical Latina-Faux-Euro-snob (i.e., at 3 hour increments) AND I am swallowing smelly, funky-yellow, ULTRA AND MEGA horse pills that advertise some boost in energy and mental focus. The good news is that I managed to get through the week and completed all my tasks.

Question: Why was I in such a desperate need for sleep during work?

Possible Answer 1: I have lost complete interest in my job… could be that my lupus funk has really gotten to me… I am slowly crawling out of it.

Possible Answer 2: The 7-9 hours of drug-induced sleep that I fall into is not restful. We all know that it is the quality of sleep, not so much the quantity of hours sleeping, that makes a good night’s rest. There is increasing recognition that sleep complaints are common in lupus patients and that the consequences of poor sleep quality leads to fatigue and poor quality of life (Ramsey-Goldman & Rothrock 2010). Up to 80% of lupus patients have complaints of both fatigue and poor sleep quality (Tench et al. 2000). Studies have identified the following to be associated with poor sleep in lupus folks: lack of exercise (…check…), pain (… double check…), depression (… not unlikely considering my lupus funk…), disease activity, sleep-related respiratory disorders, movement disorders, and some lupus treatments, including steroids.

Possible Answer 3: The pills don’t stand a chance against lupus fatigue. Lupus fatigue is such an overpowering force that no energy pill, cups of caffeine, snorts of blow or prayer can resolve it. Let’s not forget that I have been in “the funk”. The best solution for lupus fatigue could possibly be just a good old-fashion nap. Obviously, this is easier said than done, especially when at the workplace fighting a deadline. Check out this great post on lupus fatigue.

This week was tough in keeping my eyelids open. Regardless, I still got the work done (not at the same concentrated pace from last week), which may be the doing of the “ULTRA MEGA” pills. Thus far, I am making the conclusion that these pills do not eliminate but alleviate fatigue.  These pills do provide a good dose of Vitamin Bs, Ds and etc, so I am going to continue to keep taking them with hopes that things will be different next work week.

Diva note: Feel free to contact me if you are interested in reading the full articles cited in this post.

Stay Fabulous!

Energy Crisis- Day 10

Diva’s Energy Crisis Log– Day 10.

I am going to be blatantly honest. For the past week, I have been in what I am calling a “Lupus Funk“.  You may have experienced this before; it is that feeling of annoying-achy all-over pain with a dash of dull headache pain and sufferings of fatigue and fogginess (we all know how difficult thinking and focusing can be while in the state of the lupus fog). Blinking even hurts. Motivation is killed by the lupus funk. Overall, this funk makes you want to just stay in bed and avoid any human contact (dogs seems to be bearable).

On the days that I had to force myself to work, I pinched my nose and swallowed the GNC Women’s Ultra Mega Energy and Metabolism multivitamin with hopes that they would get me through the day of dealing with my crazy boss.  Although I left work still thinking my boss was crazy, the pills were able to give me that energy boost to survive the work day even in the state of my lupus funk.  In other words, they make dealing with the day easier when in such a crappy state, but they do not alleviate the funk symptoms. I still feel funky, but at least the pills give me the energy to get out of bed and conquer the tasks at-hand.

My biggest complaint about the pills is the SMELL! Yes, I am being dramatic. This smell has restrained me from taking my daily-twos on a daily basis. Everytime I open that bottle, I regress to a child resisting to take that horrible-tasting cough syrup (…remember those days??). However, I do notice a difference in the days that start with smelly pills versus those that don’t. The main difference is that more shit gets done when I take the pills (no surprise there). So all I need is somethng to motivate me to take them every day…

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I am still not 100% obsessed with this pills just yet. I will continue to take these (on a daily basis) and report to you.  

Stay Fabulous!

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Posted from the Diva on the road

Chatting Lupus Brain Fog

Lupus fog — the forgetfulness and fuzzy-headed feeling that can come with lupus (systemic lupus erythematosus, or SLE) – can be one of the most frustrating symptoms of the condition. –R. Morgan Griffin

Check out this video of some lupus peeps talking lupus fog. The group discussion is led by Christine Miserandino, founder of ButYouDontLookSick.com. Check it out: http://lupus.webmd.com/community-tv-lupus-11/default.htm?vid=vd-1916-extv-0011. Don’t have time to watch? Click here for the transcript.

Diva Recommendation #1: Follow Christine on Twitter and receive “spoonie” updates @bydls.

Diva Recommendation #2: If you have a chronic disease, you should definitely read up on The Spoon Theory. It is a great concept and gives a great illustration of the limitations we, as patients, face on a daily basis. When I was first diagnosed and performing countless anxiety-driven web searches, I found this theory to be helpful and nerve-relaxing.

Stay Fabulous!

Insert Creative Title Here: Benlysta and Common Side-Effects

I started my first Benlysta infusion late December 2011.  I just had my 7th infusion yesterday afternoon along with my monthly visit with the GREAT Dr. Lupus.  Today, I am feeling the “what- is-becoming” my normal after-poking side effects. Although it took awhile (yes… I am a bit dumb and slow at times), I think I am finally at a place where I can predict how I will feel after an infusion. You would think that the day following infusion is all sunshines and butterflies.   WELL IT ISN’T, DAMNIT! This IS the time when you will most likely notice the common drug side-effects, including:

  • Nausea
  • Diarrhea
  • Fever
  • Stuffy or runny nose
  • Sore throat
  • Cough (bronchitis)
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Leg or arm pain
  • Headache (migraine)
  • Urinary tract infection
  • Decreased white blood cell count (leukopenia)
  • Vomiting
  • Stomach pain

I have experienced most of these side-effects post-infusion (except leukopenia) at least once, twice or thrice.  Those that are highlighted above are the ones that have become part of my day-after-infusion routine.

Let me elaborate: As soon as I came home from my infusion, I crashed into what-I-hoped was-my-bed and did not wake up until 7 hours later… at 1 am! I still receive Benadryl pre-treatment with my infusion because I am a geeky-glasses-wearing-allergic.  Although I do not fall victim to the Benadryl’s sleeping spell during my treatment, I later become tired and silly-loopy as soon as I sit in the passenger side while a family member drives me home. My poor father was victim to my slurred, idiotic conversations regarding unicorns and cheeseburgers. After I climbed out of my mini-coma at 1 am, I checked my phone and saw that I sent some silly texts in my drugged haze (similar to those drunk texts that we are all too familiar with…). This is when I come to notice that during my haze I made an attempt to become a literary genius. I can’t make this up, nor do I have any shame…. This is an example of a text I sent last night: “Hey Faaagina  [obviously sounding out vagina] I need to blow so that I can grow”.  There you have it, fans, go ahead– judge me. Don’t Text Post-Infusion!

Kids don’t Infuse and Text!

Of course, I had trouble going back to sleep after waking at 1am. During my tossing and turning, I decided to welcome stomach pain and headache into the mix. 😉 When I did finally get to sleep, it was very light and unrestful.  I stumbled out of bed this morning and experienced the greatest combo o f leg and arm pain along with vomiting. Try rushing to a toilet when you can’t move your own damn legs.  It takes skills and talent. But I made it to work this morning… and on time. At this very moment, I am still experiencing arm and leg pain (on the right side) and a little of the “drugged” feeling (a la lupus fog). But I am still here and making it happen… one step at a time (baby steps)!

SIDE NOTE:

I think I am starting to see a little, teeny benefit from my combo of Benlysta and methotrexate (yay!). I expressed this with Dr. Lupus (“Hey doc, I don’t think I am getting worse!”) and we are going to continue the course… so I am crossing my fingers that I am making my way to the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Stay Fabulous!