Excuse Me- I am Still Standing
I let lupus get the best of me! AGAIN! I hate to admit this but for the past 3 months, I have been in hiding and nothing, not even a huge bottle of CYMBALTA, could get me out of the dumps. I had lost my DIVA-ATTITUDE! You want to know why? Because, Lupus sucks the big ONE. I am so over this disease. Let me share my tale of terror.
FIRST, I had to come to the following as a 30-something-year-old woman: 1) I can no longer live alone and had to move-in with my parents, 2) I can no longer drive… people of Houston were in danger, 3) I can no longer work a full 50-hour work week, and 4) OPIOID DEPENDENT. If that wasn’t pyschologically-ball-busting enough, my body decided to join the fun. In addition to fighting off daily-minute-by-minute pain, brittle bones, and trying to function with a crappy-central nervous system, I come to realize that my kidneys have thrown in the towel and my ovaries felt the need to funk out (aka premature ovary failure. Now my 60-year-old tia and I can bitch about hot flashes together, and I can gain 5lbs by looking at a cupcake). Soon I will be telling tales of the diva with lupus nephritis. Surprisingly, my liver is still holding on by a string. Apparently, all that training of binge drinking and drug use I put it through during my younger years paid off. On top of that, I have been exhausted and fatigued because my lone-leukocyte from my non-existent immune system (thank you, Benlysta) has been fighting infections left and right, including urine, respiratory and folliculitus (infection of the hair follicles– lame).
Of course, I still had to deal with life. And I may have not done such a great job with dealing with it. I had responsibilities like: going to work, submitting a grant, doing maid-of-honor stuff for my friend (the bride-to-be), and still try to maintain my composure. AND people still wanted me to be social and attend birthday dinners and game night?!?! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! What I really wanted to do was: Tell my boss to go to hell, NOT submit the grant that won’t get funded because of some political reason, tell my friend that I could care LESS about her bachelorette weekend and that she could shove her royal-wedding theme bridal shower (her idea) up her small ass, and crawl into bed with two-handfuls of vicodin and Norco. HOW DARE YOU?!?
WHEW! There you have it fans, I just queened out.
All of this was physically and emotionally exhausting- which induces flares. I am confident that everything will be OK. I trust that I am in good hands with Dr. Lupus and I have tremendous support from my family and my close friends. These are the guys that are always there, even when I feel like shit. They get it. So, why am I sharing this story? I do not share my stories for your sympathy or your “I’m sorry”. Because, I am not sorry. I am grateful for this experience. I am realizing more about myself and others through this process. I am actually lucky.. VERY LUCKY. I am grateful to even be breathing and able to type this out to school my fans. 😉
Take your pen and paper out, fans. Because here is your lesson that you will never forget. If you are able to blink and take a breath, you are STILL STANDING.
I tell myself the following phrase everyday:
I have everything within me to conquer the world.
Now, I may do it at a slower pace, but DAMNIT I will do it. It sounds lame, fans, but we can do it. Do not let lupus (or anyone else) bring you down.
The DIVA is back and this is a turning point in my journey and I am looking forward it.